Coping with Grief: Healing from the Loss of a Loved One

In the bustling mall of Acacia in Kampala, Uganda, 41-year-old James Waniale ploughs on methodically through his work routine. What many don’t see is that beneath his composed exterior lies a profound grief. Barely a month ago, he suddenly lost his spouse. The sudden and unexpected death of Deborah, his late spouse, caused a significant deterioration in his everyday functioning.

“Had she been sick… perhaps then I would have had the opportunity to prepare myself for her loss… and gradually come to terms with it,” James said as we caught up on life when I checked on him early last week.

Deborah had succumbed to what is known as an unprovoked or idiopathic blood clot. These blood clots have no clear cause, and there is no clear explanation for what could have triggered their occurrence. Unlike provoked blood clots that might occur as a result of surgery, a long hospitalisation, reduced mobility for up to four days, or even a cesarean section, idiopathic blood clots have no identifiable cause.

“We had been married only a decade… so many dreams and plans we had. I thought we had forever, just goes to show you how fickle life is.” James continued, a forlorn look on his face. I noticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring, just as he caught me looking at his left hand. And he was quick to offer an explanation.

“You know I kept wearing my wedding ring until a week after we laid her to rest. It wasn’t an easy decision… and I’m sure it came as a shock, especially to her family. I removed it and kept it somewhere safe, not to forget her, but to come to terms with my loss in my own way…”

Some widowers and widows continue to wear their lost loved one’s ring, others bury it with the deceased spouse, allowing them to leave a piece of themselves with their loved one. Some may not want to wear it, but to keep the ring in the family, so they pass it on to their children or grandchildren. James opted to keep his in a safe place within reach, in what he called a ‘memory box’.

Death poses immediate and long-term adaptational challenges, and coming to terms with loss does not mean resolution, in the sense of some complete ‘once-and-for-all’ getting over it. Mourning processes have no orderly sequence or fixed timetable, and significant losses may never be fully resolved. Similarly, resilience in the face of loss, commonly misconstrued, does not mean quickly getting ‘closure’ on the emotional experience, or simply bouncing back and moving on. (Walsh 2003).

Individuals grieve differently, some suffer intensely, but for a relatively short period of time, some seem to get over their loss almost immediately – raising suspicion amongst family and friends on their intentions or whether they are still in denial, and yet others still, mourn and grieve for years, some openly, some privately, before they are able to return to a semblance of their former selves.

Grief does not follow a one-size-fits-all neat path but is more like a winding road that becomes easier to travel over time. The pain will get less intense as the days pass, only to ambush one when they least expect it.

The individual could be doing well, then their loved one’s birthday rolls around the corner, or some special date that they shared and suddenly those feelings flood back with such surprising force.

A natural back-and-forth rhythm tends to take hold, some days better, when the individual awakens with the strength to face new challenges and push forward, and yet on other days, they are completely wrapped up in their loss, remembering and feeling everything deeply. Both parts of this back-and-forth dance are a necessary part of the healing process.

Unlike a sudden, unforeseen loss, the awareness of a loved one’s impending death can offer a chance to prepare, both emotionally and practically, for the challenges of navigating such a major transition.

Research carried out by Remondet and Hansson (1987) showed that widowed individuals who had spoken to their dying spouse about the difficulties and challenges that they might face were more likely to go through a more adaptive grieving process.

The anticipation of death also creates space to resolve lingering misunderstandings, address unresolved matters, and share heartfelt farewells, which brings about meaningful closure for both the individual and their loved ones.

For those walking this painful journey, professional help can be sought from practices such as New Dawn Counselling and Psychotherapy, located in Plot 105 Estate, Bukoto, and Bereavement Help Services.

In Loving Memory of Elizabeth Khaitsa Mabwa Gabona