Advice—we all need it at some point in life. Whether it’s deciding on a career, relationship dilemma, or simply figuring out the trials of adulthood, seeking wisdom from others often feels natural, typically from our elders, those we admire as successful, or, quite usually, our relatives.
However, while advice from a mentor might feel like constructive criticism, the same advice from a relative can sting like an insult. But why is that? Why does advice from the Uncles, Aunties, or the Ssengas carry a hidden bite?
The Family Competition Dilemma. I am no expert but I believe it’s because we are usually in competition with our relatives. Yes, competition. It might be silent, you might not even notice it but deep down, we all want to be “the big shot” when the family meetings roll around.
So, when a relative tells you, ‘Don’t do that,’ or, ‘This is how you should handle it,’ your brain might interpret it as something along the lines of: “You don’t have what it takes; you’re too young, too inexperienced, too clueless.” And even if the advice is sound, we can’t help but feel attacked.
The Rumor Mill Effect. Many relatives often base their advice on second-hand information—your Mom’s calls, that Aunt who knows someone who knows someone, or even a ka WhatsApp status. You didn’t tell Aunt Grace about your hustle but somehow, she found out and now she has an unsolicited five-point plan to save you from yourself. What might have been a well-intentioned act of selflessness now feels like an intrusion on your privacy.
“We Don’t Even Like Each Other.” Then there’s the uncomfortable reality that not everyone likes their relatives. It might not be competition or privacy or anything—sometimes, people just don’t get along with their family, and that’s fine, no judgment, life happens. Whether it’s due to family feuds, jealousy, or a clash of personalities, these situations often turn advice into criticisms or outright digs. Advice from an Uncle who disappeared some months ago without paying back the ka money he owes is bound to be taken with a grain of salt—and probably a lot of side-eye.
Cultural expectations. In many Ugandan families, and elsewhere, elders feel it’s their duty to offer guidance, many times in the bluntest way possible. They embrace a “tough love” which doesn’t sugarcoat things at all, so instead of a gentle ‘that’s an interesting idea, but have you considered…,’ you will hear ‘are you mad? Don’t waste your time…’ and I understand, it’s their way of steering us away from failure—but the delivery? Ouch.
The “You Don’t Know My Life” factor. Has someone ever talked to you about yourself and it’s as though they know you more than you know yourself? Well, that’s a relative for you. Relatives’ advice often comes from a place of assumption. Many think they know you based on past versions of yourself they saw many years ago… but life happens, we gain new experiences, we change, and we grow. Their advice, often based on outdated perceptions, feels irrelevant and outright condescending.
In all fairness though, not every relative’s advice is meant to insult. Sometimes they’ve lived through similar challenges and want to save you from the mistakes they made—especially today when the age gap between parents, relatives, and children isn’t as large as it used to be.
Perhaps, if we learned to separate their intention from their personal biases we’d get along better,—and maybe, just maybe they could work on their delivery.
So, the next time Uncle so-and-so offers advice, take a moment to assess: is it truly an insult, or does it just feel like one because of the baggage that comes with family dynamics? Either way, a little grace on both sides can go a long way. After all, advice is just that—advice. It’s up to us to filter out the noise and take what serves us best.
