Santa Claus; a big-bellied dude in red who seems only interested in America. Riding his sleigh through snow and jumping into chimneys like some ninja on a mission. Well, hello Ugandans—let’s talk.
For those of us who remember when the Christmas spirit was in full gear—festive music on every radio, streets crowded with decorations, and lights of every kind everywhere—might have wished for Santa to truly exit. I mean, who didn’t go through that childhood phase of wishing the big beard guy in red truly existed, and that the newspaper-wrapped gift was actually from him? Or was that just me, being a bit too much of a dreamer? Lol!
But let’s face it—any true Ugandan knows that the Santa we grew up watching on TV isn’t suited for our motherland. We have neither chimneys nor reindeer, and we most definitely don’t do snow. What we need is a uniquely Ugandan Santa: a custom blend of personality, grit, and humor. And let’s be honest, the kind of requests our Santa would get would be on a whole different level!
First off, Ugandan Santa wouldn’t just cater to kids. Nope! There is no way we would let them kids have all the good stuff. Granted, the grown-ups would most likely take most of his time. I mean, haven’t you seen grown-ups licking baby powdered milk like their lives depend on it? Trust me, the “big kids” would have the wildest requests, from political favors to miracle Bank account balances. Someone might even write, “Dear Santa, please make me rich like that guy on Sudhir. Yours faithfully, The Hustler.” Truth be told, I could use a miracle Bank account balance this Christmas myself.
Now, the actual kids. Ugandan children these days are in a whole different league of their own. I am definitely imagining Champion Gudo requesting more stunts to outshine Tenge Tenge, while Fresh Kid is probably somewhere in the mix requesting studio time with Wizkid. Absolute chaos!
And then there’s the attire. A Ugandan Santa in a red suit and boots? Absolutely not—it’s way too hot for that here. I’m picturing a Kanzu, or some stylish Gomesi-inspired robe for Christmas Eve. Instead of lugging around a sack of gifts, I see more of a Kaveera strapped to the back of a Boda Boda. As for the laugh, forget the classic “Ho Ho Ho!” We are going all Ugandan with a hearty “Wabula wabula wabulaa!”
And of course, transportation. Reindeers just aren’t made for Uganda—and they’d probably be food if they did show up. Give Ugandan Santa a fleet of Boda Bodas or a souped-up taxi with a soundtrack of Eddy Kenzo’s greatest hits blaring from the speakers. Chimneys? No! Santa is picking those padlocks, lol😂.
It’s no secret that Santa likes milk and cookies…well, at least that’s what the movies say. Ugandan Santa, however, would definitely prefer our very own Rolex. That, or some meat skewers with a cold Nile Special 🍻.
In the end, Ugandan Santa would be just as jolly, but far more relatable. He would bring the spirit of Christmas with a big Ugandan heart, full of laughter, resilience, and the ability to make magic out of chaos… that’s if he’s not hunted as a witch😂.
So, this Christmas, when you hear the chaotic symphony of Boda Boda honks, don’t dismiss it—it could be Santa, Ugandan edition, making his debut. Merry Christmas!
