Many relationship experts have written about tips for catching a cheat. What is ironic is that serial cheats too read these tips and use them to improve their game, to become so formless and artful that it becomes hard to net them. There is one way however which remains hard to dust off– emotions!
When it comes to relationships, emotional intimacy is like a delicate soufflé. Picture this: one moment, you’re whispering sweet nothings; the next, you’re as distant as a weak Wi-Fi signal in a basement. One moment it’s light and ‘Oh honey! I feel like you hung the moon’, and the next, it collapses into a sad heap. If you’ve noticed a sudden shift in your partner’s emotional availability, it might be time to investigate whether they’re hiding something—or someone. If you find yourself wondering if their heart has been hijacked by someone else, one of the areas to look into is—hold your breath—if they become overly affectionate! Ironic, right?
Your partner might be playing on you Adorno and Horkheimer’s reverse psychology! With the influence of social media, toxic knowledge, and the dark web both genders have become good at this game: women will soften, shed a tear, start a fight—on something other than the elephant in the room—just to check whether you have noticed infidelity (because if you noticed you’ll bring it up in the fight and give them a chance to lie about it), reminisce an emotional experience that connects you two, do casual chores or even offer sex. Men on the other hand will buy gifts, become all of a sudden obedient, and re-assuring, etc. In either cases, this emotional whiplash might be meant to leave you dizzy and confused and to waver your suspicions, and it works perfectly if one knows their partner’s soft spots. It’s like a dog bringing you its favourite toy after chewing up your favourite pair of shoes; they’re trying to make amends for something that’s gone awry.
However, even with the best skill one might employ in hiding infidelity, they always forget the little things. And that is where you have to put your attention, patch up the little pieces and solve the puzzle. Forget what they are stage-managing for you to see, and look into the little details they might have never paid attention to, in the course of lying to you with their actions.
Fact: if your partner cheats, they are naturally meant to be affected psychologically. They will either feel relieved and glad they did—in the case of retaliatory infidelity as a way to cope with the emotional pain caused either a your own infidelity and/or emotionally hurtful behaviour—say physical abuse. Or they will feel guilt, shame, anxiety, defensiveness/denial, and confusion. The complexity in this is that these feelings can vary in intensity and complexity, and may change over time as one processes them in their minds. So what your partner does immediately after they cheat might be important but what they do weeks after they cheat is more important to pay attention to, because it is almost impossible to hide the emotional reaction to guilt and anxiety over a long time by play-acting. One can never lie to one’s brain. So keep your ears constantly to the ground, and try to relate your partner’s behavioural patterns. It is easier if you stay with them.
Your partner might not immediately show the following signs but if you closely paid attention for long you will notice that they are going through an emotional battle, trying to process something, and most likely losing it. Emotional withdrawal often begins subtly. After putting up that deceptive show for a few days, they may eventually become less communicative or seem distracted during conversations. You might notice that your partner is less engaged in conversations, offering short responses when you ask about their day. Instead of sharing thoughts and feelings, they might retreat into silence or become preoccupied with their phone. It’s as if they’ve entered a different world, leaving you standing outside, peering in through a foggy window. You might catch them staring off into space as if contemplating the mysteries of the universe—or perhaps just wondering how to keep their double life under wraps. This withdrawal can manifest in various ways: reduced affection, less interest in shared activities, or even a sudden obsession with their phone (which they now either treat like a top-secret government document, or in more complex cases oddly leave you with knowing that they have coded messages or locked chats). You may find yourself questioning if it’s something you did or if they’re simply stressed from work or life’s demands. While stress can certainly affect emotional availability, a drastic change in behaviour often warrants closer examination. If you find yourself feeling like an outsider in your own relationship, it’s time for some soul-searching.
As the emotional distance grows, several signs may become apparent:
Reduced Communication: Conversations that once flowed easily may become stilted or infrequent. Your partner might seem distracted or disinterested when you talk about your day or share your thoughts.
Less Affection: Physical affection often diminishes during periods of emotional withdrawal. Hugs may turn into quick pats on the back, and kisses might feel rushed or obligatory rather than heartfelt.
Increased Secrecy: If your partner suddenly becomes secretive about their phone or computer usage—changing passwords or keeping devices out of sight—it could indicate they’re hiding something significant. On the other hand, if they are oddly free with their phone, they might be locking chats with passwords.
Avoidance of Shared Activities: If they start to decline invitations for date nights or activities you once enjoyed together, it could signal a desire to distance themselves from the relationship.
Ultimately, trust your instincts. If something feels off, don’t ignore that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. Relationships thrive on communication and honesty; if those elements start to fade away, it’s crucial to address the issue head-on. In the grand game of love, you deserve clarity and honesty. Whether your partner is simply going through a rough patch or navigating murky waters with someone else, open dialogue is essential. So grab that magnifying glass and start investigating! After all, love should never feel like a mystery novel filled with plot twists and cliffhangers. Remember: You’re not just looking for signs; you’re seeking the truth. Whether that truth leads to reconciliation or liberation from a toxic situation, you owe it to yourself to find out what’s really going on behind those closed doors.
If you suspect emotional withdrawal is a sign of infidelity, it’s crucial to approach the situation with care and empathy. Start by initiating an open conversation about your feelings and observations. Use “I” statements to express how their behaviour affects you rather than casting blame. For example, saying “I feel distant from you lately” invites dialogue without putting them on the defensive. Remember that trust is foundational in any relationship. If your partner is willing to engage in an honest conversation about what’s going on, it could lead to healing and understanding. However, if they remain evasive or dismissive, or even oddly calm, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and consider whether it’s worth continuing.
Next time, we are talking about using phone tracking apps as a way of busting a cheater! Au revoir!
By Joshua Mwesigwa
