Exactly 8 years and 13 months after Museveni filched the presidency of this country, I was born. Exactly 17 years later, I lost the most precious thing an innocent boy child can brag about. Yeah, you guessed right.
Fortunately for me, it wasn’t to some lousy housemaid or some distant cousin, or aunty, an ordeal that befalls most boys. It was to the yellowest sister-in-law I’ve ever set my eyes on, a younger sister to my brother’s spouse, lol. She was a Chotara bird, and if I were paid enough, I would recount that love story in detail. Too bad I won’t. All I can let slip from that little affair is, breathe in, breathe out, the belle made the first move. Come on, don’t judge; I was 17, too young a folk to know my way around lasses. Guess how old she was: twenty-something (though she looked adorable like that little water flower, what’s-its-name, the tulip). Keyword: She made the first move.
Now, my ladies, you think that’s too odd? Do you think we should talk about it, the first move? No? I can’t take that for an answer! Every girl, and I mean every one of them, even you, has ever been there, crushing on a dude so bad that her little heart hurt, and then maybe she’d muster up the courage to approach him, and then… boom! It backfires spectacularly. The poor girl gets let down; Prince Charming has his eyes on her older sister. Twenty ooops!
I had this little girl, oh these stories will land me in trouble someday, I wish they were just made up, well, as I was saying, there was this little girl back in what the American folks choose to call elementary school, who had a big fat crush on me she would literally chase me around classrooms just so she could share her lunch with me, which wasn’t a bad idea, dear Kawala Aminah, save for the fact that your noses were always nastily wet and runny. Dear Miss Kawala, perhaps we could now try something. I am pretty sure that the yellow stuff running down your nostrils is long dried up.
The great poet, Maya Angelou, said, “Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better.” So, it’s better-knowing time, ladies! Time to understand why approaching Sean-the-gym-guy first can be a recipe for disaster, and why a relationship emanating from that first move won’t be working wonders anytime soon. Possibly, after taking hold of this piece of information, you could chase Sean-the-gym-guy better and clutch him tighter, as Gen Museveni did to Uganda. Because, trust me, that lousy-chasing crap you are doing scares men to the moon and back; stalking him on X won’t do the trick. Yet still I don’t fancy seeing you die with that lava of a crush inside your gut. I am here for you, Señorita.
Time to learn…
The Scare Factor
When you approach a man first, you’re essentially putting yourself out there, vulnerable and exposed. Repeat that after me. It’s like walking into a lion’s den, hoping he won’t eat you alive. And let’s be real, most guys are like lions, they can smell the fear-desperation soup odour from a mile away.
“The B-word” is what he might be thinking, as you awkwardly try that annoying ‘hi, handsome’ line. You’re invading his space, and his instincts are telling him to retreat. It’s not personal, honey; it’s just survival instincts, alright?
You approach him, thinking you’re being friendly, and he responds with a lukewarm reception. You’re left wondering, “What did I do wrong?” The answer is simple: you didn’t do anything wrong; you just didn’t do anything by doing what you did. I know I might be starting to sound like Will Smith, but stay with me.
The infamous movie line from The Big Lebowski (1998) goes, “Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. You want the Dude.” Sometimes, guys just aren’t interested; they are super-focused on cracking crypto-currency trading codes on their computer, and, baby girl, that’s okay. It’s not about you; it’s about them. So, if you are out there with wishful thoughts to the effect that a guy will like you just because you are something female, I have news for you: we have our standards, too. So, in such a state of affairs, the problem is not that you made the first move, but that he just didn’t like you. And that’s no crime in this country, is it?
When you approach a man first, put the power dynamics in mind, you’re quite disrupting the law of traditional power dynamics. You’re taking the reins, and some guys might feel emasculated or overwhelmed. It’s not about being sexist; it’s about understanding the game. For instance, if you are zigging, splashing money his way, just know he’s zagging, pondering on how money will be a controlling factor in that little relationship you are forging. Trust me, men do not like being controlled one bit. If your little brother is dating some girl for the money, it’s because he is broke or something, and not because he’s head-over-heels.
The “F” Word
Fear is that one annoying thingy that bites all and sundry off the love prize, always. The natural fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, and fear of being shot down is something that men live with every day, and somehow, we are accustomed to it. Now, it’s no different if you’re the girl making the first move; fear will show up. Your fright buds have to come to good use sometimes, lol. Fear is a mind-killer, know that.
So, notwithstanding all the odds that come with making the daring move as a woman, please consider that feeling of fright as natural, and it happens to men too—what if I use the wrong expressions, what if my punch lines aren’t cool enough, what if the Shakespeare I intend to use is old-fashioned, what if my rehearsed lines vanish? Have you ever been to an interview? I know you have, which is why I won’t explain this any further.
The Statistics Don’t Lie
Let me throw one secret your way, ladies. Studies show that men like women who approach them first. Stay with me. The only hitch with this is that they get frightened by such boldness coming from a woman; combined, of course, with the assumption that such a woman is in the habit and custom of making such moves at random men. If you, my lady, can eliminate such a fear from the dude you are chasing, you’ve got him. Question is, how do you do it? This is where I come in.
Now, every relationship expert will tell you all this balderdash, you have to be confident, genuine, and authentic, blah blah. That doesn’t work for a woman making the move; it’s too hypothetical for my liking. Besides, it will only get a man into your bed, but won’t situate you in his heart. So, you have to play the mind game called reverse psychology. Why? Because love is a feeling that can be conditioned and fashioned into one’s mind by doing a few random acts, as I will prescribe. The mind-game is intended to plant a thought in his mind and later heart. Men are using these tricks on you, so do not be a saint here.
If you are to tell a guy you like him, do it only once and never twice. Matter of fact, when you make that first move and say whatever you have to say, do it in one breath, and never allow him the opportunity to say yes or no. Simply tell him you are genuinely interested in him; go briefly about what qualities about him you think are attractive, and then go full force on how you believe you are a great person. NB: Stay away from small talk on how large your hind-side is, or how the manager at your job cries for you. Talk about intelligent stuff, forge them if you must; I mean, you went to university, you even know how to forge a bank slip, so stop playing dumb.
After that episode, disappear. This allows him time to process his feelings, as they transition from probable shock to a slight liking, to more liking, to questions about whether you were serious or not/your whereabouts, and then to missing you! In that order. A week and a half will do.
Men seldom get nice gestures, so when they do, their minds go gaga; you have to allow their emotions to shift from shock to charm. Men often catch feelings they rarely disclose. In the moment when you reappear after the aforementioned breather, he definitely will have eyes all over you. That is not the time to trip; it’s the perfect time to shift positions: from you being the hunter to becoming the hunted, the prize.
All you have to do is play a little hard to get, taking your time to text back, but sounding nice when you do, to wear those skimpy things you have in your closet and, this is very important, trying hard to hang out only with the girls, you do not want jealousy making him confirm earlier assumptions that you be hitting on guys like that. So, stay the heck away from guys, trying to show him that you are not interested in any, just yourself, your work and your girls; therefore, as you would want to signal him, if he puts in a little effort, he could get you. Trust me, he will put in the effort, and as a bonus for you, his mind will even forget you made the first move. Technically.
I surely can write a book on these things, giving you a step-by-step guide on how to tantalise and tease his mind all the way, while avoiding the ‘shame’ that comes with making that move. The question is, would you buy the book?
Lastly, the greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, said Nelson Mandela, but in rising every time we fall. So, rise and get what you want, ladies! In a tactical manner. Comment away…
Compiled by Mwesigwa Joshua
