Rebecca Kadaga’s Basoga are very interesting people. Interesting in such a way that when they were crafting their anthem many years ago, they did not waste time in declaring Busoga a pearl. Now, if you know what the pearl of Africa is, according to the historical Winston Churchill, the Basoga now want you to further know that Jinja is the pearl of that pearl. But apart from the many flowing rivers and fancy hotels in Jinja, which I advise you to spare time and experience, the real pearl of Uganda, in the not-so-nice aspect, is Kampala. I will tell you why.
If you’ve been in Kampala lately, and by that, I mean if you know what is ku-ground, you might have come across many stories of phone snatchers on the streets. A story goes that Kizito Yasin, alias “Mr. Kampala,” was arrested by Kajjansi Police for a series of phone snatching incidents. Normal stuff, right? What makes his case particularly intriguing is that Kizito had only recently completed a two-year sentence at Kigo Prison for a similar offence, and survived lynching many times; his scars testify.
Also, some sensational musicians have been in the news a few seasons ago, one too many times for petty theft in the ghettos of Kampala. This paints a picture that theft in downtown Kampala is celebrated, depending on where you stay: Makindye, Kikuba-Mutwe, Kawempe, Kamwokya, Katwe and all those other M or K slums: these places reek of theft. And the way it is fancied, having inspired a TikTok challenge “When your friend is a thief,” reeks more. So today, let us keenly look at the life of a typical Kampala thief, let’s call him Lasuuli. And maybe you are his girlfriend…
He walks into the club, all smiles, dreadlocks and cologne, holding your hand like he’s just come from Fongorn Forest—note the spelling, my friend, I meant that thick forest in The Lord of the Rings movie franchise, and not what you think, either way, People stare, you swoon, your expensive looks are noticeable: designer this and designer that. “Tell me I am pretty,” you task Lasuuli. “You know you are,” he reassures. Curtain falls. Meanwhile, in scene two, somewhere in Nansana, a car owner is trying to figure out how his car rim got rimmed (read stolen). His eyes are bloodshot with anger and questions.
Scenes of Crime on Kampala Streets
At Nana Hostel, a laptop just disappeared from a law student’s room. Back on the streets, Mama Nakato, who sells Kipooli for survival, gets hit by a Jaj as she runs after a purse-snatcher. She hits her head on the pavement, and her brains spill out, mixing with her Kipooli paste. You, Miss Expensive, don’t even know that Lasuuli’s muscular hands, which are wrapped around your WWW (read warm wasp-waist), were a few minutes ago wrapped around the responsibility of these acts of terror, and you are enjoying the fruits. Congratulations!
Back to the club: Somehow, Lasuuli is still laughing with as you at the bar, you and he are gulping rivers of Tusker Malt, as he takes random innocent looks at his phone screen, making you think he’s just a busy man in love, planning appointments or monitoring his cargo-containers in transit from Mombasa. Sweet, isn’t it? Except… maybe the man who melts your heart is also melting someone else’s bank account. He is a thief, and you aren’t ever gonna know about it.
You see, not all thieves are created equal. Some are corporate by day, terrorising neighbourhoods by night: you remember Kitata and city “tycoon” Sipapa. They carry themselves like high-flying executives but sneak into homes when the lights go out. Others are internet fraudsters, similar to Yahoo-boys of Nigeria, typing away at a laptop, convincing strangers online that they’re “investing in a start-up,” while quietly siphoning money from accounts. Then there are the street-level “dogs” who make chaos their brand—snatching phones, bikes, or bags, and hitting non-compliant victims with pavers or Katayimbwa.
In the 2014 TV series Power, Ghost, our good protagonist, may be charming in bed with Tasha and Angella Valdes, but his side B life is messy and entangled in theft, drugs and everything in between. He has a paradise for a home for his wife and kids. Tommy is no exception; his girl Holly dies in escapades of crime she is not well-acquainted with. It is not nice at all. Which answers the question: Do Kampala thieves also have girlfriends? And you could be that girl without knowing. Or you could be that girl who knows he is a robber and yet, because of all the benefits that come with that job, you can not walk away or snitch.
The Hidden Lifestyles of Kampala Thieves
So, you want to catch him? Well, you can if you know this. Thieves are masters of disguise. The corporate-level ones flaunt tailored suits, fancy watches, and expensive cars, making their lovers and the whole world believe they are invested in online businesses. By day, they attend “meetings” and “network events;” by night, they orchestrate armed robberies. We are talking machetes and guns.
Internet fraudsters are more subtle, typing away on laptops in quiet apartments while claiming to be cryptocurrency traders.
Street-level crooks, meanwhile, act charmingly casual, spending hours “hanging out inna di ghetto”, all while snatching phones or handbags right under everyone’s noses. Some even cultivate relationships with corrupt police. The trick? They know exactly how to charm and distract—the flowers, texts, and romantic dinners are all part of the cover. It’s believed that a number of these upcoming artistes you know are thieves by night, and they steal to buy studio time and money to give to their gyal dem.
What to Look Out For – How to Know You are Dating a Thief
Of course, not all red flags are obvious, but a few clues can help you spot hidden behaviour. Be cautious if he frequently disappears at odd hours “for work,” yet seems inexplicably refreshed the next day. Sudden, unexplained bursts of wealth—designer clothes, flashy gadgets, or generous gifts—without a clear source are worth questioning. Hesitation or defensiveness when you ask about finances, or a habit of diverting conversations when you mention the news, that…
Finally, listen to the stories of friends and neighbours; they often notice patterns long before you do. A little curiosity and observation can save you from falling in love with someone who is equally skilled at stealing hearts and property.
So, next time your man talks about “imports and exports” or a “special project at work,” maybe take a pause. If a neighbour’s TV vanishes, a friend’s iPhone goes missing, or headlines report another creative robbery, it might be time to ask a few HR-style questions:
- What exactly is his business?
- Are you part of the risk management team of this “enterprise”?
- Or do you just believe love comes with zero CV checks?
Because while romance is sweet, it’s even sweeter when it doesn’t give you worrisome thoughts of whether you might turn into Bonnie in a Bonnie-and-Clyde duo.
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Compiled by Mwesigwa Joshua
