If there’s one profession in Uganda that deserves an award for confidence, it’s got to be boda boda riders and taxi conductors. For about two decades, Uganda’s public transport has largely revolved around boda boda and Taxis (Minibuses with blue checkered stripes).

Even when the government introduced new initiatives, such as the many public bus trials over the years, boda bodas and taxis persist and still take the crown. In line with that, almost every Ugandan has used them, and we all agree that no one stretches the truth on the road like boda boda riders, taxi drivers and conductors. It’s an unspoken understanding we have all accepted.

And today, as I still await my boda guy who swore he was very close (been waiting for like 10 minutes now), let us talk about the usual lies and ‘assurances’ boda boda and taxi drivers use to woo their customers.

#1. I’m Just Going Your Side/I Know Where That Is
This one is undefeated. For some reason, boda guys are always heading in the same direction you are taking and always swear they understand exactly where you mean to go.

You tell him your destination. He doesn’t even pause. ‘Boss, I’m just going that side, I know that area very well.’

Even when you try to explain further, he assures you he grew up there. Minutes into the ride, you realise ‘your side’ includes three new trading centres and a sudden, ‘Boss, which turn do we take?’

And if you think getting lost (usually when you presume the boda is just taking a shortcut) is the worst part, wait until halfway through when the boda boda guy complains the distance is longer than he expected.

#2. Taxi Is Full, Just One Seat Left
For taxi users, this is a well-known tactic conductors use to woo potential passengers. They will see you from afar and, regardless of look or stature, assume you are a traveller. You suddenly become the last passenger they need to start the journey.

You look inside and see plenty of space, yet the conductor still insists, ‘Just one seat!’

#3. We Are Leaving Now Now
The one-seat lie kicks in when the conductor keeps assuring you the taxi is leaving immediately. You get in; it looks full, yet he still shouts, ‘Last seat! We are moving!’

You sit, but the engine barely starts.

For some reason, new “would-be passengers” keep appearing: five more people are recruited from thin air. A sack of produce appears. Someone’s aunt squeezes in. Then finally, 15 minutes later, you ‘leave now now.’

#4. I’m Very Close
If there were a national competition for optimism, boda riders would still win. They are always giving false hopes about how very close they are to picking you up. ‘In a few minutes I’ll be there,’ they keep reassuring, and I advise, better grab a seat while you wait.

In Ugandan transport language, ‘very close’ can mean: still at the boda stage, fuelling, picking another passenger, or finishing lunch.

Ten minutes later, he is ‘reaching.’ Five minutes after that, he is ‘almost.’

And this isn’t about the boda riders. Almost every Ugandan has pulled off the ‘I am soon arriving,’ ‘I am close,’ and other such assurances, often while they’re just setting off.

#5. There’s Heavy Jam Ahead
If you’ve ever tried bargaining with a boda boda rider, ‘but there’s jam that side’ never fails. After all, boda bodas are popular in Uganda because they can navigate traffic, which conveniently bumps up the fare. Often, the jam isn’t real, and that line is just a way to stop you from bargaining or to get you to pay more.

#6. Fuel Is Expensive, Boss
This one has become permanent ever since fuel prices started behaving like forex charts.

You’ll hear it when it rains, at 9 PM, at 6 AM, on Monday, on Friday, or simply if you look financially stable.

Yes, fuel prices affect fares. But sometimes the phrase isn’t about economics, it’s about leverage. They’ll talk your ear off about fuel costs and why they need to raise the fare, which is understandable, but most of the time, it’s just a pricing tactic.

#7. The App Edition: The GPS Is Disturbing
When it comes to ride-hailing apps like Safe Boda, the lies have even evolved. ‘The app is disturbing, the GPS showed wrong things’
Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes the GPS mysteriously adds a few metres to boost the fare. Other times, they insist the app’s position is wrong. Either way, even with the directions and fares clearly displayed, the bargaining culture hasn’t gone away.

Technology may have improved transparency, but it hasn’t curbed creativity. There are always loopholes and a story they can use.

And while we may dislike some of these lies, the truth is that Uganda’s informal transport sector is survival-based, with no fixed salaries, no guaranteed daily income, high competition, rising fuel prices, stage politics, police fines, and bike loan repayments, so at the end of the day, everyone is just trying to hustle a living.

What looks like manipulation is often economic pressure dressed up as negotiation tactics. That doesn’t excuse dishonesty, but it explains it.

And let’s not pretend passengers are saints either, not with, ‘I don’t have change.’ ‘I always pay this amount.’ ‘My usual guy charges less.’

In the end… these lies are part of Uganda’s road culture. Annoying? Yes. Entertaining? Also, yes.

It’s a strange relationship we have with boda bodas and taxis. We complain, joke, swear we’ll never use them again… and yet tomorrow morning, we are back on the roadside, negotiating because, despite the exaggerations, detours, and dramatic fuel speeches, they remain the backbone of how this country travels.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my boda guy just assured me he is “reaching.”