Put your hand up if you are a married person, and you are recently much into looking yourself in the mirror more often than before. Two hands up if you are a forty-something-old mother who struggles with the fact that your make-up brush isn’t doing much in concealing those dreadful latitudinal lines in your once-upon-a-time gracious face. Yes, I thought so. Chances are, you are subconsciously afraid of hitting another floor of your age. That is called ageing, and it is not a capital sentence, sweetheart. As a matter of fact, it is healthy.
Like it or not, ageing is an inevitable part of your life; its impact on marriages, however, can create strains and complications for both men and women, but especially women. As couples age together—or when one partner ages more noticeably than the other—physical, emotional shifts, and societal pressures can shake up the foundation of their relationship. This is what we are here to talk about today, in a healthy manner.
As time progresses, physical changes become more pronounced. Wrinkles draw, grey hair sprouts, poor eyesight knocks, weight fluctuations come into play, your once-flat tummy develops terrace-like flabs, energy levels and vigour are cut, and all these alter how partners see themselves and each other.
Ageing in men
Let’s talk first about what happens to men: ageing often brings physical changes that challenge men’s sense of masculinity. Declining testosterone levels, known as andropause, may lead to reduced libido, erectile dysfunction, and fatigue. These issues can be deeply unsettling, especially in cultures where male identity is tied to sexual performance and physical strength. A 2023 study in the Journal of Men’s Health noted that 40% of men over 50 experience some form of sexual dysfunction, which can lead to embarrassment or avoidance of intimacy. Men may feel pressure to “perform” despite these changes. Do you relate?
Men often face societal expectations to remain providers and protectors, even as ageing impacts their earning capacity or physical vitality. Retirement or reduced work hours may trigger a loss of purpose, particularly for men who define themselves by their careers. This shift always leads to depression or irritability, which partners may misinterpret as disinterest. Additionally, men may struggle with their spouse’s ageing, especially if physical attraction wanes—her slight limp may be a huge turn-off. You have heard of emotional distance, right? That right there is one result of this.
Chronic conditions like heart disease and prostate issues, which become more common with age, many times force men into dependency roles they’re unaccustomed to. This shift is an ego bruiser, especially in cases where their spouse becomes a caregiver. Just like that, men start to feel competitive with younger men, especially in marriages with significant age gaps.
Enough about men
Our good mothers—God bless their souls, on the other hand, struggle differently but more profoundly with physical changes, particularly through menopause, which typically occurs between 45 and 55. This is a time when she is so worried about that small wrinkle running across her face—a wrinkle is to an ageing woman what a pimple is to a teen. Not only that, she is also worried about her disappearing hips, which at this stage are proving that they do lie, as well as the fading glow in her skin.
Hormonal fluctuations, which, as I mentioned, cause these changes in women, are notorious for hot flashes, mood swings, weight gains, and reduced libido— that notorious marital back-facing-partner thing that Africans hate with a passion. These changes more often make women feel less desirable, especially in modern societies that glorify youthful beauty. Physical signs of ageing—wrinkles, sagging skin, or hair loss—erode confidence better than soil erosion itself, particularly if women compare themselves to social media standards.
As we all know, women often face harsher societal judgment about ageing than men. Older women with younger partners may endure scrutiny or assumptions about their motives, as seen in cultural tropes like the “cougar” stereotype. This external pressure brings about a kind of self-doubt or paranoia about their partner’s fidelity. At such a stage, women frequently take on caregiving roles for their ageing spouses. It is a depressing roller coaster.
Eventually, as children leave home or careers wind down at retirement, women may grapple with a loss of identity, particularly if their self-worth was tied to motherhood or professional roles. This “empty nest syndrome” could lead to depression or a sense of being “invisible” in the marriage; worse if their spouse remains socially engaged.
So, what should couples do when this inevitable stage hits?
For couples to overcome challenges that come with this ageing crocodile, honest conversations about the impact are essential. Men should feel safe discussing performance anxieties or career-related fears, while women should be able to share menopausal struggles or body image concerns without judgment. Regular check-ins—perhaps weekly “heart-to-heart” talks—can prevent misunderstandings. Couples can use prompts like, “How do you feel about how we’re changing?” to spark discussion.
Sexual challenges require a shift in perspective. Couples can explore non-sexual intimacy—cuddling, massages, or shared hobbies—to maintain closeness. For men with erectile dysfunction, medical options like PDE5 inhibitors or natural herbal therapy can help, while women experiencing menopausal symptoms may benefit from hormone replacement therapy or lubricants. Consulting an intimacy counsellor can also guide couples toward solutions.
It is not uncommon for women to bear the brunt of caregiving during the ageing stage. This might prove heavy on them, so men should actively participate in household or family duties to prevent resentment. For men facing health challenges, accepting help graciously can ease tension. Couples should discuss roles openly, perhaps creating a shared schedule for tasks like doctor visits or errands.
Couples ought to reject external judgments about ageing or appearance. Instagram or TikTok should not influence how you age; it has already done that while you were younger. Couples can celebrate their shared history, laugh lines as proof of joy, and grey hair as a badge of wisdom. Publicly affirming each other, like complimenting a partner’s evolving beauty, reinforces confidence.
Ageing brings financial uncertainty, so couples should plan for retirement, healthcare, and unexpected costs. Consulting a financial advisor can align goals and reduce stress. Transparent budgeting discussions ensure both partners feel secure about the future.
If strains still persist, couples therapy can address emotional disconnect or unresolved conflicts. Individual counselling can help partners process personal insecurities, like men’s career transitions or women’s body image struggles. Support groups for ageing or caregiving can also provide perspective and community.
One last word to youthful couples: ageing is an inevitable process that you should positively expect. As the Bible says, there is a time for everything. When your time comes, all the above advice will be proven helpful.
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Written by Mwesigwa Joshua
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