How to Impress Just Any Man: Ladies, Do These and He’s All Yours!

One of those things I would rather learn Chinese but not confess is this: that at my first time in Kampala, not much of my breath was taken by the tall buildings here. Crest Towers, the tallest and most majestic ones in my time, didn’t give me that electrification—or electrocution, one of those two words—as it should have. It is rather how clean Kampala women looked—so fresh, so chic, so elegant, smelling like they bathed clouds instead of Imperial Leather-foamed water. Breathe in. Breathe out.

But social media, has taught me that sometimes those girls are so empty and lonely on the inside, looking for something male. Just any man. Some, struggling with the thought of Okkudiba. If you happen to be among that lot, dear I feel your pain, and though you might have made a good effort to land one—read all relationship books, watched YouTube videos, became a student of TikTok University, with so little success, do not despair yet. Here is how you’re going to land your dream man. Aristotle once said:

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

If you’ve got your sights set on a certain someone and want to make him yours without the awkwardness of feeling like you are making the move, fear not—I’ve got you covered. Here’s a guide to winning his heart with charm, wit, and a litre of common sense. Spoiler alert: no Juju, no nothing.

Let’s start with the classic advice: Be yourself. But let’s clarify—be the best version of yourself.

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” – William Shakespeare, you know him? Well, he said that. You know, the one who remembers to brush their hair and doesn’t eat cereal out of a mug because all the bowls are in the sink.

Authenticity is attractive, but so is effort. Let him see the real you—the one with dreams, quirks, and a sense of humour—but maybe save the “I haven’t done laundry in three weeks” confession for later. Simply put, don’t just be yourself, be your cleanest self.

Here’s the thing: Men love to feel funny. Even if his jokes are as stale as that song Gwokutte Gwobba, give him a chuckle now and then. It’s not about faking it—it’s about appreciating his effort. Men are baby giants who love feeling accepted and appreciated. Just make him that. Bonus point if you can fire back with your own witty jokes to compliment his. Just don’t overdo it, or you might come off as a clown.

Call him in the night, not to talk dirty, but to give him the relieving feeling after a long day. Be that voice that makes him sleep, sing for him on the phone, throw jibes at him and, while on that night call ask him personal things like whether he likes vests, his favourite cologne, the meaning of his name, whether he ever woke up kissing his mattress and whether he has a sister. Day calls should be short, night calls long and deep. Avoid sex talk yet!

It’s no secret that food is the universal love language. But this isn’t about slaving over a five-course meal (unless that’s your thing). It’s about knowing what makes his taste buds dance.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is another classic.

Surprise him with his favourite meal, not a snack—it shows thoughtfulness and care. I am still amazed at how Kampala slay queens are good at this one, as they are at waist beads. I mean who is teaching these traditional things to these granddaughters of the bar?

If you really want to stand out, skip the small talk and dive into meaningful conversations. Men love reasonable talk. If you are into TikTok-bags-shoes-hairstyles-yoghurt-etc talk he might just one-time-view you, if you know what I mean. The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said. Ask him about his childhood dreams, his favourite memories, and his favourite soccer team.

Not all men are into sports though, so ask about a book he is reading or a movie, or PS. Thoughtful questions show that you’re genuinely interested in who he is—not just what he does for a living or how many push-ups he can do. Some girls don’t really know how to shut up and listen sometimes. All they do is talk, talk, talk. Girl, when will you ever Mum?

The next one is very important. Honesty, honesty, honesty. Don’t lie, period. If you doubt this ask from your friend who was recently ditched why she was ditched.

And dear ladies, nothing is more attractive than someone who knows their worth and has their own passions. The most attractive thing you can be is yourself.  Whether it’s your career, hobbies, or friendships, let him see that your world doesn’t revolve around him—and it shouldn’t! Independence is sexy, and it keeps things interesting. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder (or at least gives him time to miss you while you’re out living your best life). Men will kill me for revealing this little monster secret.

Life is full of awkward moments—like accidentally waving back at someone who wasn’t waving at you or tripping over absolutely nothing in public. Instead of cringing in embarrassment, laugh it off together! Shared laughter creates a bond that no amount of candlelit dinners can match. Besides, if he can laugh with you when you’ve got a ground-nut husk stuck in your teeth, he’s probably a keeper.

Men don’t really care how a woman looks; it’s your heart he is looking for. Here is the thing, a man will know a woman he will keep and one he won’t. Given that men rarely have a NO in their mouth, if you have a dark heart, he might play along, view you once, and run away to look for the girl with the qualities.

I hope your parents taught you that “Ekyagaza omubi omulunji takyimanya.”

So have a good heart and he will fall flat on his face. When walking on the street, grab a kid and hug her, or give a beggar some alms. Have those African manners and etiquette. His heart will pace with delight. You have him.

Everyone expresses love differently—some through words, others through actions or gifts. Pay attention to how he shows affection and mirror it back to him in ways that feel natural for you. Talk softly and sweetly, especially on the phone. Come on! don’t make him feel like he’s talking to Mukajjanga the mechanic. Be girly, sweetheart. At the same time, however, don’t be shy about sharing what makes you feel loved—whether it is compliments, quality time, cuddles, or movies.

If you are into giving him gifts, don’t let your gifts throw your character out of the window. Don’t use them to win fights; that’s manipulative and, dumb as men can be, he’ll notice.

Men aren’t always great at opening up—it’s like trying to crack open a walnut with bare hands sometimes—but when they do, it’s important to listen without judgment or unsolicited advice. Wilson Mizner said: A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

If he trusts you enough to share his fears or insecurities, honour that trust by being supportive and understanding (even if part of you wants to say, “Seriously? You’re afraid of pigeons?”). But never use his fears to get to him. You’ll lose him like a Kyagulanyi-Museveni election.

Learn the words and petty actions he uses and copy them too. Thank me later.

Did he finally win that contract after months of hard work? Cheer for him like he just won an Olympic gold medal! Celebrating his achievements—no matter how small—shows that you’re genuinely rooting for him. Plus, everyone loves a hype woman who makes them feel like they can conquer the world (or at least their growing pile of laundry). I know someone like that

Go to church, girl. Who wants a heathen as their kids’ mum?

At its core, love isn’t about grand gestures or perfectly executed plans—it’s about showing up as your authentic self and creating moments that matter together.

So go ahead—be kind but firm; funny but sincere; confident but humble—and watch how effortlessly things fall into place when you’re simply you. And remember: if all else fails… there’s always chocolate cake! Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is?

Also read; How to Get Just Any Girl In Kampala Tips to Make Her Like You

Compiled by Mwesigwa Joshua